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traumagenic misandry, racism, white men, my ambiguous racial status 

It occurs to me that most of the men I’ve been most hurt by are STEM/nerd white men. The quintessential “incel”. (“Chads” largely don’t interest me, except on a removed, aesthetic level. At least so far.)

On some level I found myself drawn to white nerdboys, apparently because I wanted to date them *and* be them. I internalized white supremacist bs about whiteness being safe and smart and rational and post-racial (lolsob).

The funny thing is if the body transitioned to male, took hormones, etc I’m not sure how the body would be racialized! We have white-passing privilege now, but gender conformity and whiteness are conceptually linked, and if I appeared to be a gnc or nonpassing trans man, or otherwise overtly androgynous, it seems likely to me that my nonwhite features would be noticed more, to my social detriment. Being a white boy was on some level always already impossible.

re: traumagenic misandry, racism, white women, my ambiguous racial status 

I wanted to be a white guy, but I’m realizing I’ve wanted to be a white girl too. I found a white girl archetype that’s closest to my looks (brunette and pale and “weird” - think Zooey Deschanel) and decided I had to aspire to be that..

Since I’ve received mixed messages about how white I am actually perceived as by society, the racist ideas I’ve internalized are also a jumble. Some of them harm me. Some of them harm others more.

The racist meme I feel the most regret for accepting uncritically for the longest time is the one about white women being inherently “innocent”. When it came down to it, when I was faced with evidence that white women oppress/abuse men and women of color, I accepted that evidence and consciously rejected that meme.

But I am still ashamed to have ever benefited from it.

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