Tomas semi-fronted last night a little unexpectedly. To pine after a boat.
We had a bit of a heart-to-heart about his uh? Source? And how he had wanted to leave a part of himself behind in this country, but didn't expect it to be like this.
I think he's disappointed, tbh. I hope I can take him to the marina soon and he'll feel better.
It sucks though, like I wasn't already overwhelmed with guilt/shame for having a factive in the first place. Now I have to feel guilty that I'm not the kind of person he wanted.
I have a training thing I'm attending tomorrow, except I have a sneaking suspicion I'm not attending it.
There's a frantic excitement about it that feels like Storm.
Soooooo we'll see how that plays out. I don't WANT to be there anyway, the trainer is an asshole. we've had a course from him before.
It was a "productivity and time management" course and he spent most of it connecting time management to money, promoting his financial services, and talking about his rich friends.
He asked us how much something to do with selling a house was, and refused to believe that none of the 20 of us in the room knew. Clearly we all play the property market like he does!!
Also told us we were robbing taxpayers by not napping at work.
So I'd rather not be there. But Storm is such a fucking handful. do I want him to be there??
Self harm mention, but humorous
She asked about it again so I had to double down on my absolutely ridiculous lie.
Yep. I fell. On what? Uh. You know, around. It was a couple months ago, I'm not sure. No, I don't fall often. But that definitely was one.
At this point I think she knows it's a lie... So maybe.... Don't ask.
I'm honest about it for the most part with people, but my boss is not one of those people. Past stuff is fine, but no current stuff that could theoretically be impacting my job. Because capitalism.
Self harm mention, but humorous
Asdfggjjllyyt God it's been so long since anyone bothered to ask about my self harm I forgot how to lie about it!!!
Like. I have very obvious marks all over my arms and don't try to hide them. Their precise nature makes it clear what they are, and in general people don't ask.
But I have some ~2 month old scars on my upper arms that caught my boss's notice today.
"what happened to your arm?"
"....................... I fell?"
I fell. I FELL. I fell?? Really? That was the best I could scrounge up?
but .... it was very wholesome because the image I got immediately in my head was me stroking Rory's lil head comfortingly, and then......... Skyler stroking my head asdfajshk
Cute, but unexpected.
and apparently Pepper fronted last night. *scratches out the "hasn't fronted in a long time notice*
thankful it was a cold, dreary weekday becaaaaause she was absolutely messaging people trying to hook up. Pls. I woke up to a lot of messages.
if I tell my therapist tomorrow i'm engaging in risky sex habits it's going to be 200x harder to convince her I'm not bipolar.
(nothing wrong with being bipolar obvs, it's just what I got diagnosed with back in college and it refuses to leave my records even though I 100% don't have manic episodes)
therapy, sui mention
I have my first real actual voluntary therapy session tomorrow.
I feel. Nervous. very nervous.
Last time we went to therapy, it was not by choice, and it led to the implosion of the system.
I'm not going back there. I dunno, I feel very fake a lot of the time but I feel scared thinking of being alone like that again.
I don't even have to tell this therapist about ~us~
It's just brief intervention crisis counseling stuff because I told my doctor I left a suicide note in my files at work.
I would like it to lead to proper more thorough therapy. But to start with it's just weh I'm sad and overwhelmed.
so there's not really any danger to us. but I'm still nervous. What if they're not a good therapist, what if they don't get gender stuff, what if it makes everything worse, what if they say I have to stop working
it'll be fine. probably.
depression meme 2: electric boogaloo
I made another meme because lesson 2 told me to use a "thought monitoring form" but it's not IN the downloadable resources, and all the generic ones I find online aren't Exactly The Same and I'm Upset 🙃
which would be a great thing to record in a thought monitoring form
IF I HAD ONE.
The Pride (subsystem): Rai/Rory/Stone
The rest: Skyler/Storm/Pepper and more
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