Hartstead @thepride@plural.cafe

I have a training thing I'm attending tomorrow, except I have a sneaking suspicion I'm not attending it.

There's a frantic excitement about it that feels like Storm.

Soooooo we'll see how that plays out. I don't WANT to be there anyway, the trainer is an asshole. we've had a course from him before.

It was a "productivity and time management" course and he spent most of it connecting time management to money, promoting his financial services, and talking about his rich friends.

He asked us how much something to do with selling a house was, and refused to believe that none of the 20 of us in the room knew. Clearly we all play the property market like he does!!

Also told us we were robbing taxpayers by not napping at work.

So I'd rather not be there. But Storm is such a fucking handful. do I want him to be there??

🦁​

She asked about it again so I had to double down on my absolutely ridiculous lie.

Yep. I fell. On what? Uh. You know, around. It was a couple months ago, I'm not sure. No, I don't fall often. But that definitely was one.

At this point I think she knows it's a lie... So maybe.... Don't ask.

I'm honest about it for the most part with people, but my boss is not one of those people. Past stuff is fine, but no current stuff that could theoretically be impacting my job. Because capitalism.

Asdfggjjllyyt God it's been so long since anyone bothered to ask about my self harm I forgot how to lie about it!!!

Like. I have very obvious marks all over my arms and don't try to hide them. Their precise nature makes it clear what they are, and in general people don't ask.

But I have some ~2 month old scars on my upper arms that caught my boss's notice today.

"what happened to your arm?"
"....................... I fell?"

I fell. I FELL. I fell?? Really? That was the best I could scrounge up?

I fell.

Marvelous.

🦁

Didn't tell the therapist about the system, but at one point she was talking about (from a very metaphorical perspective) "Cloning yourself to walk beside yourself and comfort you" and I'm just like pls no we have enough well-meaning protectors, no more pls.

THERAPY TIME

Storm fronted and interacted with people today for the first time in a long time and WOW is he BAD AT PEOPLE.

He's just rude and overly direct and just like. Left work to eat tacos by himself. Asshole.
🦁​

I have my first real actual voluntary therapy session tomorrow.

I feel. Nervous. very nervous.

Last time we went to therapy, it was not by choice, and it led to the implosion of the system.

I'm not going back there. I dunno, I feel very fake a lot of the time but I feel scared thinking of being alone like that again.

I don't even have to tell this therapist about ~us~

It's just brief intervention crisis counseling stuff because I told my doctor I left a suicide note in my files at work.

I would like it to lead to proper more thorough therapy. But to start with it's just weh I'm sad and overwhelmed.

so there's not really any danger to us. but I'm still nervous. What if they're not a good therapist, what if they don't get gender stuff, what if it makes everything worse, what if they say I have to stop working

it'll be fine. probably.

When I'm not fronting: cats are okay but I don't know why we go wild for them...

When I'm fronting: my entire right side is in buzzing agony but if I move the cat might leave

I made another meme because lesson 2 told me to use a "thought monitoring form" but it's not IN the downloadable resources, and all the generic ones I find online aren't Exactly The Same and I'm Upset 🙃​

which would be a great thing to record in a thought monitoring form

IF I HAD ONE.

My doctor referred me to an online course about coping with depression while I wait for the intervention crisis counseling thing and the first course was........ so 101 it was painful.

I know it has to start from ground 0 so it's accessible to everyone. And I do genuinely hope it helps some because I've been in a pit of "my depression is chronic it will never get better" for ages. Which is not accurate. It may never be cured but I can definitely cope better, and I need to.

But still. The first course left me feeling like the "I know more than you" meme.

i'm Emotional knowing I've made a small difference in the way two children will be raised in this world.

for my two coworkers (one expecting a baby, one just delivered), I'm the only non-binary person they've ever met who's been out and open and vocal about it. i did a big talk at work about my gender and the way I was raised. And both of them have told me about how that will impact the way they raise their children.

Maybe those kids turn out to be cis and het, but regardless they will grow up with their parents knowing and accepting that they don't HAVE to be. And that will in turn impact the way they in turn view LGBTQ+ people. It's good feelings.

🦁​

Home again bc I couldn't stop crying at work everything is just too much and overwhelming and I need it to stop. I've been frontstuck and feeling alone in my head mostly for weeks and I don't like it I thought we were all in this together

I took quetiapine for the first time in a long time, 1/8th or less dosage than I was on, but I forget what it's like haha. I know factually I get restless leg syndrome and I drool, but feeling it start happening is wild.

🦁

Me taking front "No I'm not saying we won't do <self-destructive thing> at all, I'm just saying we can't do it tonight because we need to go to bed. Maybe in the morning."

I am a Quality protector

✳️

I don't know much about new Old Man/Tomas who may or may not be around but when we saw this it was just like "that. that's him."

we

we are the cat play system

Newbie is just like. floating on the edge. slamming the breaks didn't seem to do much except put an awkward rift between us so that's fun.

When I feel him though it's such a nice comforting presence, i don't really have any reason to try to keep him out. Like, he doesn't fit the "vibe" of the rest of us, and I'm nervous as hell about factives just because of syscourse stuff. But those aren't real reasons.

Might try calling him Tomas for now (The Old Man And (the) Sea), because I don't want to use his source name and he has no interest in picking out a new one. Need to take some time and like. Try to consciously accept him I think. Instead of just skirting around it. Headspace is muddled with him because there was previously no accounting for an ocean.