R: I feel like there's a number of themes that keep recurring in several distinct political movements we're associated with or admire, in our religion, and in our personal life as queer transies aspiring to prefiguration.

Feminism developing into queer liberation; freedom; community; a sense of awe and respect for nature, anti-anthropocentrism, natural beings considered worthy in themselves and not just for their utility to humans; reparations, antiracism, decolonisation developing into re-indiginisation; fighting for life, life understood to be change diversity and joy, fascism as a cult of uniformity, sacrifice, death, antifascism as taking the side of life.

On the top of my head I can think of several different wordings and conceptualisatins of all of these ideas from anarchism, Bantu/umbanda cosmology and many other indigenous ones, Öcalan theories and EZLN radio broadcasts. Dunno I am probably letting my inner structuralist run too wild and ironing out everything to a single thing, though I do have observed people from one of these affiliations talking to others and going "yeah that's pretty much it, we agree on all points" (rojava/chiapas ).

It's fun cos we can take any slogan, poem or symbol from any one of these, like "jin jiyan azadî" ("women, life, freedom") and it's meaningful to us in many other ways outside of but consonant to the worldview of the creators.

(⚡​ it still surprises me how assertive we got to be in flirting, but we know to leave a way out of pressuring and take a no kindly, and like she said, nobody seems to be complaining..)

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23:59: 🐝: above self-doubts^
00:00: (shaved hair sword earrings that aura) (glance at their eyes)
(they look back) (smile) (they look again) (smile) ☺️

🐝 hi! have we met yet? I'm elilla ^.^
🐝 oh what a fantastic name!
🐝 you live around here? ah from X? I'm at Y but I go there often
🐝 (inserts hrt into the conversation to signal transness)
🐝 (drops mention to tattoos into the conversation so she'll get a query and an excuse to show off)
🐝 say do you want my contact? so that when I'm in town we can go for a coffee or s/t? ☺️☺️
🐝 ✨ yes I do have an instagram ✨
🐝 here it is, by the way my insta is a liiiitle bit sexualised so if you don't want to see that kind of thing don't look at the photos, just a bit of a content warning here (nikoniko)
🐝 if you want to see that kind of thing then ~do~ look at the photos

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promiscuity dialogues 

🐝 this is just, it's so wonderful it feels like life finally makes sense, but like I can't keep chasing queer miniskirt forever.

🔥 why not? this country alone has prob millions in the dating pool, enough for a lifetime of new people.

🐝 but I have emotional bonds to my folk, it's not just sex. if I keep adding new people it results in not being there when current ones need me.

🐝 I'm going to hurt people I love.

🔥 people know what we are, nobody expects you to not be you. plus you're pretty good at being there in an emergency?

⚡​ I mean the kind of 'ship we have now does feel qualitatively different than all those years of trying to work around mono-adjacent folk. maybe it's just hard to accept the purgatory is over.

🍏​ honestly you should worry less about whether to hit on new people and more about like, being minimally functional with the rest of your life? just my 2c here

🔥 I don't see anyone complaining.

🔥 f e e d

8am: office lady: gute morgen, $coworker hat sich für heute nochmal krank gemeldet
R (cursing under her breath): uggh
R: I hate office intrigue bullshit gods
R: ✨ nochmal ✨
R: why do that. what do you get from public humiliation. you're not even a boss
R: uff die

12pm: same office lady: ich bin einschließlich morgen krank geschrieben
R: nooo 😱 I take it back I take it back
R: don't literally die
R: gotta be careful with the cursing :x

R: we usually chase off fear with horny but turns out anger works too 😌

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E: when I thought we had gotten the handle of it, we got an actual _shout_ to wake us up as we fell asleep. this was so loud it reminds me more of sleep paralysis hallucinations (no paralysis tho). it was really scary...

R: …until we realised it had *misgendered* us, and at that point I just got angry instead. I don't care if you're a figment of my broken mind or an entity from beyond the veil, *fuck* you.

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E: and then I realised we had tears running down our cheeks, but like we're not sad, not _now_, just, dunno, dreading? tears more like an unexplained bodily function than an emotional outburst. and like this all the time, these strange little phenomena. like mona said, gotta just roll with it, assume it's the time to live with this pressure for a sec.

R: did get chills on our spine to complete the dishes and dispose of the offering, in a good way.

R: wanted to write about our late grandmother's husband but I can feel body is on overtime, we'll crash asleep soon. was experimenting with tuning into the mind radio in an almost controlled manner, it makes it less scary when you can turn it on and off. only disjointed sentence fragments as usual, English and Portuguese, tried to invite some Japanese but didn't work. The very vivid and distinctive timbres of each voice are the most fascinating part for me, I mean other than the general terror and discomfort this weird brain bug / unexplained mediunity trait still causes.

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(got up to wash the dishes, it's part of an ongoing project thing that we are working with our preto velho guide, he's not demanding at all but trying to hope that the voices are about this and can be appeased by this)

R: I mean before being the witch of mirrors we had mirrorphobia, it's not new for us to look into the mirror and see someone who is uncanny and disturbing and scary.

C: it is new to be me ^^

R: yeah she cut off my buildup :p it is new to see someone who is uncanny and disturbing and scary but *is also me*, to be aware of being the scary but not unsympathetic but still scary one *and* the one who is scared, at the same time.

E: thinking of the word "kowai" for a second.

R: yeah, "obake ga kowai", ghosts are scary. "obake ga kowai", ghosts are scared.

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(random mind radio: "…someone called 'enough'!…)

(R: …...if you can't stop being afraid of random mind radio voices…)

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R: If you can't stop being afraid of ghosts assume that inducing fear is just a property of ghosts, they can't help it, accept that, live with the fear as you would with a fever or headache, it's unpleasant but it's just there, leave it there and say hi to the ghosts, invite them in, give them some tea, remember you and them are alike.

If you can't stop being afraid of nameless-ominous-dread assume that this is the season for dread, it's just time for it, accept that. Say hi to the feeling of persistent pressure, give it some tea. Look at what you look like in the mirror, some sort of dark forest entity yourself, you and nameless-ominous-dread are kin.

new age folk: the child in me greets the child in you
plural folk: this but literally

R: the other day we were reading something which described the need for banishments and borders and it went mask off for a while, "imagine you come into your house and find homeless people or robbers in there, you don't want the same kind of low spirit…"

We want to be the opposite of that.

E: we're a slut for spirits ^.^

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us a year ago: dang I hate sleeping alone. (nameless unacknowledged dread)

us these days: spots a thing that is not there when closing her eyes, "oh you're there? come. lie here with me. feels nice to always have friends with us^^"

comics, witchery, :100_gay:​ 

every so often I read something that makes me feel like, dunno the backstory but this author gets magic. (it's not often a thing that happens reading sci-fi; that's how I became a fantasy fangirl).

is it just me or is that happening a lot with comics lately?
dunno what it says about the state of the world, though I have ideas. four pages from Sas Milledge's "Mamo". Some prefer nettles.

re: cartomancy, cultural appropriation, term which in English is considered a slur 

C: I don't know why be so fussy abt it, the Petit Lenormand is just something the folk picked up along the way. And we're always happy to spread stuff around, look at this you get your pick of teachers glad to teach gadjos, it's their whole thing. For a price.

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cartomancy, cultural appropriation, term which in English is considered a slur 

R: Aand I think that's it, that's the moment I knew I was waiting for. From the start I understodo we'd use this Smith-Waite to get back into practice, then outgrow it for something else. I thought I would get familiar with all the cards first, but instead I feel just like I understand the vibe and that's enough.

I've been hesitating on doing this because of cultural appropriation, I mean even the name is considered to be a slur in English, though in Brazil it's a term of self-identification and pride for the three different peoples who use it. But white cultural appropriation is my tradition's original sin, and I'm white. So I held back from even talking about it in public, but at some level I knew, I'm an umbanda witch, this is my ancestry, this is what we do. I still remember the visiting ladies in town trying to tell me something, my old self's reflective backing off of anything that gave us that shiver of otherwordliness happening, I remember just the richness and life the wandering bands brought to our communities, to our religion. I will do my best to give back to the Romani, and the Calon, and the Sinti, I want to approach this always as grateful student and accomplice and never like an owner or authority. But even my extremely vocal, militant, and Africa-centric dissident umbanda collective, even the Razor Blades do the Gypsy cards. In fact my corner of the umbanda world is setting up a new online class for next year, aand >clickety-click< I'm in the waiting list. Just enough time to get started with this Calon shuvanni who goes by, what else?, Carmen.

I will leave this here, if I ever use the cards to earn money (as these ones like) all of it is going straight back to the folk who gave this to umbandistas.

re: tarot read, a thing that happened 

R: The method we've been doing is that she does the jazz improv, I do the sheet performance. I'm interpreting the cards strictly according to the Key to Tarot, cos the deck that life randomly threw to us was a Smith-Waite.

It's important to have a method. It's like pre-registering an hypothesis in statistics.

The Hanged One is pretty obviously an echo of the same cultural practice we find in Odin, the Indo-European patriarch become pre-IE shaman, and I got an Odin-bound queer pop up in my life to reinforce it. In modern interpretations it stands for adversity, in even more modern approaches that try to put a positive spin on everything, to a need for rest. But the name is a misnomer, the One is not hanged, is not a prisoner in the gallows, is a lone figure dangling upside-down from a tree. In S&W it's just shamanism, the mystery itself,

> It should be noted (1) that the tree of sacrifice is living wood, with leaves thereon [=Yggdrasil]; (2) that the face expresses deep entrancement, not suffering [=shamanic state]; (3) that the figure, as a whole, suggests life in suspension, but life and not death ["I hung there for nine nights full nine; / With the spear I was wounded, and offered I was, /To Othin, myself to myself, / On the tree that none may know / What root beneath it runs…"] It is a card of profound significance, but all the significance is veiled…
> I will say very simply on my own part that it expresses the relation, in one of its aspects, between the Divine and the Universe.

That's all well and good but when this card fell out of the deck I got it reversed, which it being itself a reversed image, it's a reversal of the reversal: now the ego is back up again, it's the tree that's upside down. Of a reversed Hanged One S&W gives no more than three interpretations,

> Selfishness, the crowd, body politic.

and of these the last two words have been haunting me ever since.

If I'm getting this correctly the below card is a material-plane clarification, the above a symbolic one. The Nine of Swords, and old friend, couldn't be clearer, "utter desolation". There's a tension in interpretations on whether it's justified despair, or self-inflected despair, but it's despair. I think this is the first time I get Death, for which "it's not about literal death" is almost a meme, except when it is, except when it is. "End, mortality, destruction, corruption." Sure, it is a silver lining kind of deal, there's a dawn, hear banner is the rose of life—but, look at her. Look at the people. It's not a funtimes card. Like Utena she holds no sword yet "king and child and maiden fall before her", thrones are idol, the brave cower under eyes of red.

C: Below is you overfretting, above is more of a mystical deal. The pendulum swings, in summer we gorged on life, you've already been told autumn will be a long march to the night of spirits. Look at the card again, can't you see it? You don't need a book or a method, the drawings speak loud and clear. The rose, and the skull.

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