Pinned toot

E: I _am_ still a sceptical naturalist materialist. I think this whole thing boils down to narrative logic in psychology. None of it will show up in a lab, and the coincidences and hair-rising stuff can all be explained as unconscious knowledge I had back in my mind somewhere, absorbed through cultural osmosis, plus archetype coherence.

E: It's just that the pombagira demon possessing my body thinks otherwise haha 🤷‍♀️

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Ramona: Do a shorter one.

Carmelita: With selfies.

Ramona: Right, show them what we meant.

Elilla: Ok, I’m Elilla, binary trans girl, she/her.

R: I’m Ramona, she/they femby for now.

C: I’m Carmelita 🌹 a she/her woman travesti.

E: I host! I was always there. I’m high-fem and my fav colour is pink. The voice I want is bubbly and bright.

R: I’m the protector. My esthetics lean to utilitarian and nonconformant. I dig using a dark, deep voice for the contrast with our appearance.

C: I came to remind them how to stand up proud when gringos are asses. I came for fire and life. I came to show how to take and not just give. My voice is lush and my color is red.

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Elilla: Phew, toots are 5k chars here. There’s so much to say. Where do we even start.

Ramona: Focus, girl. Start with the .

Carmelita: Make it interesting! Make it… spicy.

E: Ok so well, we’re a freshly crystallised system I guess?? I don’t know what’s happening?? These are not our real names, we’re using pseudonyms here. (R: they’re cool tho!) Brain is ADHD, body is late 30s, transfeminine, and all of us are binary trans women.

R: Ähm, about that.

E: No.
E: Seriously?

R: Yes, I’ve been thinking…

E: Still she/her?

R: …

E: omigooosh how come you never :sparkling_heart_enby:

R: Look, there was never a point where I *could* have my own separate pronouns, ok? You’re obviously *super* binary, you been fronting all the time, well most of the time anyway, and people calling us anything other than 'she' would hurt you so much… but, if it can be done without it being a bad thing for you… Yeah, I think 'they' feel good…. yeah. She/they femby I guess :ms_shrug:
R: Also while we’re at it I’m kinda ace spec. Not fully, but. Not nearly as sexual as you or her, that’s for sure.

C: :chick_giggle:

E: Ok. Ok. This explains so much.
E: (Metaphorically looking nervously at the audience): Sounds like we have a lot of learning to be doing, haha 😅
E: Carmelita, you’re she/her, right?

C: Doesn’t get more woman than this, girl.

E: Ok yes, big mood…

C: And travesti of course.

(both others stare)

E: You’re a travesti?

R: What do you mean by that? How do you define the term?

C: Don’t you know nothin’? You can’t define travestis. We ~are~. That’s the whole point. You know that, you were there when I looked up sisters…

E: …So anyway, when I transitioned I…

R: Can I do it?

E: Sure?

R: Elilla was always there, her real name was always there too, only dormant for years. Mostly. When deadname let go she took over, but she thought she could not give up on my name which 'came to her'…

E: I felt like it would be erasing an important aspect of me 😌 So I used like "Elilla Ramona" as an informal middle name…

B: …And we’ve been kinda bouncing since then, I took over a few times when shit went down. She would sometimes open up to let me speak or pick an outfit, would even say things like ‘that was Ramona speaking‘, but still didn’t think of me as someone. Then Carmelita just, she *descended* like a firestorm, complete with her own aesthetics, speech patterns, values, interests…

C: Been seducing ~so many~ cuties :ms_blushing:

R: …and asserting a need for a name, which me and Eli helped her pick. At this point host was doing this thing where she was concatenating all the names together, as a 'latina things' long-ass name 'joke' 😏

E: Then I started realising that our outfits map neatly to each of the three 'names'. And the 3 different, conflicting goals we had been chasing in voice training too. And that I could tell who was speaking what in my mind. Then I tried labelling each voice in my permanent mental pandemonium and it's been like this ever since.

R: It’s like we’re over one another’s shoulder speaking our mind all the time, we don’t know how common is that.

E: I have a bit of a headache, for real.

R: *We* do, one body remember?

C: I still think this is fun. And will get even better. :>

E: What do you mean?

C: Oh, you’ll see. :ms_wink_kiss:

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(both staring at her) (Ramona): Carmelita you kind of went all out huh.

C: Always~

R: For the record I want to state that this whole fancy clothes Japanese appropriation thing is not really my vibe and I did what I could with the material I had.

Elilla: Oh come on I just thought it would be fun to try doing the same picrew for us 3.

C: I thought it was fun.

R: Yes you would.

C: Bitch you love to pose as woke but you didn't even think of changing your skin colour in this thing, I'm the only one who even remembers we're latinas.

R: *awkward*

E: *same but also secretly annoyed she didn't realise you could choose blush shade in this*

(Picrew: 現代和装女子 picrew.me/share?cd=51d5oUCloZ )

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the system’s sexualities & kink interests 

E: my sexuality is cuties.
R: my sexuality is queer siblings.
C: my sexuality is ~sex~

E: How do we feel about boys after all? will it finally make sense now?
E: I'm the sapphic one. femmesexual I think. girls, fembies, femboys.
R: I'm into masculinity if it's queer masculinity. Masc enbies and trans guys are attractive too. Butches :ms_blue_heart:
C: I'm into men if they're hot

E: So I have femme, skolio, bi, is that correct?
R: (nods) C: (shrugs)

E: Who's subby?

(silence)

E: We're plural and _still_ can't switch??
C: I like pain, and I like being fucked. It's fun! But I like hurting & fucking them even more. And I ~command~, always. That's non-negotiable.
R: I... dunno. I don't think I'm very comfortable with sex. I dommed before but the way violence works for me is... it's not sexy. I would rather cuddle. Envelop and protect.
E: I'm more conceptual than Carmelita, more mommydomme, caredomme too. She's more into pure sensation. BD and SM respectively. But I guess as a system we just top in various flavours haha
R: Maybe it's just what the body wants.

re: selves selfies, witchy, eye contact, mirrormagick, facemask 

R: us six months ago:
R: afraid of:

- being alone in the dark at night
- mirrors
- singing late
- reclaiming the furniture ppl put outside
- dancing

E: we today: dancing hugging a full-body mirror we reclaimed from the streets singing late at night spinning in the pitch-black house with the darknesss boogeyfremds x3

Show thread

selves selfies, witchy, eye contact, mirrormagick, facemask 

R: we were having trouble to leave home to do groceries

R: did a bit of casual mirrormagick for fun, posted selfies

R: after that on the way the supermarket we found a full body mirror that somebody had thrown away

R: it's missing one of the support screws, but looks trivial to fix

R: we wanted a body mirror for dance & boxing practice but can't spend on one right now

R: being a mirrorwitch is dope 🔱🙏💃🔱

R: we've been oscillating on whether to make up separate accounts, split our main masto etc.

R: but this did feel like something of a qabbalistic moment somehow 😌

me: Punky Brewster has def become a thing
me: I wonder if there's any Punky gifs that we relate to

Punky gifs:

was: inner child archetype vs. promised child archetype, became: highly personal 

from what I can understand, an inner child archetype is past-oriented: it is a way for the present identity/identities to interact with events and hurtful things from the past, to nestle and protected that hurt child and tell them that these things are gone now.

except often the same kind of thing is still happening, and inner child archetype, because they're looking at what was and how it affects what is, tends to have no tools to deal with what they become. they look for protection, not change. inner child has an acute sense of injustice which can be used to solve shame, victim-blaming. but if you're working just with past and present, you can end up locked in the same attitudes and tools that didn't work, trapped in a cycle.

it's not enough to just accept there was injustice; one needs to rise up.

the promised child archetype is future-oriented. it's not about experiences in the past, but about actualising what never could be. it’s not the childhood self but a new child, brought out of past and present selves both. it comes wild, bringing back old hurts, opening up the can of worms, only to set the worms free and laugh in the fields. an inner child cries about what was done to them at school. a promised child burns down the school.

I guess maybe mirrorgirl has a kind of jorney through both. she was this one archetype that I suspect will be common with trans people: not future but also not past, but past pluperfect – a counterfactual. the first way we ever touched her was through grief, mirrorgirl starts existence by the awareness of her non-existence. the first time we look at her she’s dead – worse than dead, but killed before being born. Upon transition E. just had these bouts of profound grief, literally grief, over The Girl Who Could Never Have Been. (E: no, not just me, deadname already had that.) E. choose her own (irl) name as a tribute to Girl Who Could Never Have Been.

once Girl Who Could Never Have Been transmuted into mirrorgirl, she actually started existing. she can talk, she has needs and wants. she wrote that long self-introduction in our profile.
if deadname speaking is the voice of the undead, mirrorgirl is a phoenix or golem or AI, an alchemical miracle of life: from nothing, something.

a traumatised inner child might resent being brought into existence without consent by her parents. a promised child is the converse: they resent being barred from existence without consent.

it is said that Atum, deity of creation, created themself by calling their own name.
I think a promised child creates themself by saying, "no".

("they told us to die / we chose to live / they told us to die, and we chose to live.")

Eli didn’t realise it at the time, but the first time we conceptualised mirrorgirl as a persona was on this story we were writing, where a self-insert of us is thrown into Lovecraftian time-wobbly horror and escapes it by somehow bring into being girl-who-could-never-have-been in full unapologetic fluffy teen wicca witch, who does a ritual of banishment and solves the problem adult self couldn't.

Now I see this is kind of what we did in real life, without meaning to, without planning or awareness, with Carmen’s energy. Eli had always approached girly things, defying age conventions for how our milf body is supposed to express ourselves, and I reapproached punk-rock-edgy-things, and Carmen demonic shamanism things, bodily delight things; the combination of these was everything denied to girl-who-has-never-been, claiming them acknowledged her as girl-who-*should*-been, who transmutes to Girl-Who-Can-Now-Be. So we get her drawings.

The first thing she has ever shown us, the first fully involuntary (form our part), autonomous intervention, was out of the blue a comic book drawing of her escaping the school walls. The fundamental act of Promised Child shamanism.

Girl-who-could-never-have-been understood that what the students and the teachers did to her was wrong.
Mirrorgirl said fuck this, and bailed out.

We bailed out. Now. IRL. 31 years of being a student, about time to skip class and never come back, be the pink-punk-possessed crazy gay witch they were afraid we'd become.
School's out, forever.

Show thread

spells for anxiety and trauma, personal 

E: Had to deal with bad stuff we’ve been avoiding. Discussing it internally, Carmen made us agree to a binding to do it yesterday and no later. Also a love came by unexpectedly and provided us support while we went through it. It was fine in the end.

R: Nothing replaces the support of loved ones, near and far, therapy was helpful too, and spiritual help from another practitioner even. But as far as our internal stuff goes, besides C's continuous push forward, we found this anti-anxiety spell useful:

> reddit.com/r/WitchesVsPatriarc

E: …Only when we started doing it I intuitively did it with some inner-child–coded symbols we had around, and then wore them for the duration. (It was Punky Brewster symbology, discussed before – I was randomly already wearing a pigtail, so it just built from there.) Only while doing that I realised what I was doing with it: II was acknowledging the role of childhood trauma in why the bad thing feels so terrifying and physically painful.

R: We were telling mirrorgirl that what was done to her was not right and the brokeness she got – we got – as a result is not shameful.

R: Then the next day, before we told him anything abt it, our ex bf told us that his spirit guide had been with us the previous night.
R: Ex bf is developing his own shamanic path, based on umbanda experience plus being fictionkin plus his professional training as a Jungian psychologist. His guide (a manga character) is geared towards working with childhood baggage, it’s the whole point.

R: Also ex said he does something similar to what E. did intuitively. He also has some symbols of personal significance to evoke his inner child – or rather his Promised Child, there’s a distinction in his system – and he touches them to acknowledge the trauma.

R: Sounds like the core of a spell if I’ve ever seen one 😌

@freyja_wildes

yees totally the world is unfair 😿

I'm super in love since forever with the pan flag :ms_pansexual_flag:​ , want to use the colours to build outfits, I use it in my emacs theme etc.… and we’re not pan…

(we’re attracted to all genders but the attraction is gendered so technically we’re bi… but my aesthetics are candy vaporwave like pan, I’m not into cybre outrun :ms_bisexual_flag:​ like bi… *pouting*)

mh joke, plurality, anime violence against penguins (?) gif 

C: oh what an interesting set of phobias and anxieties you have there :>

C: let me see them

E: funny how you can be aroused by all genders since the onset of puberty, and it still takes you 10 years to understand you're bi
E: funny how you can dress in women's clothes since you’re 14 and it takes you 20 years to realise you’re a girl

E: funny how you can read cards for 22 years without admitting you’re a card reader

R: internalised fear of ostracism is an awful drug

Show thread

person: ok I want to be honest, all of this is a bit challenging for me
they: but I respect it ofc

R: oh dear don’t worry, I’m just dumping enthusiasm, but we don’t expect you to share it or believe any of our religious stuff
R: half of the time *we* don’t literally believe it

R: (it’s the half of time when there’s daylight :giggle:)

they: :)
they: yeah but I mean
they: the things that came out in the cards, they were all correct??
they: like, all of them, they all came up

R: yup. it’s like that.
R: every time time. always been.
R: no exceptions.
R: of course, it’s easy to explain that away. the cards are so symbolic, so pregnant of meaning, that one can easily match up the things that match, and unconsciously brush off what doesn’t. selection bias, unconscious cold and hot reading, Forer’s effect, brains are good at finding patterns, etc. etc.

R: and I mean these explanations aren’t even *wrong* . at some level this is what’s happening

R: it’s just that
R: there are more levels 😌

they: yes but I mean
they: I was v anxious about it
they: and afterwards I felt better and calmer
they: and then I went there and it was good
they: so it really actually did something I think

R: yeah that’s the thing about magic in general
R: it’s not Protestantism, faith doesn’t matter. you don’t have to believe in it at all
R: it believes in you ;)

R: we see it as a form of guerrilla folk psychology
R: (at least in daylight 😌 )
R: or (not wanting to claim equivalency to therapy here) at least a useful tool for emotional support and exploration

R: (it follows that there’s a knack to it, it’s not just following the manual. it will be better or worse depending on the card reader)
R: (and our plurality, our religion… it helps. it makes us good at this, honestly.)

they: I thought it was good

bdsm 🤝 umbanda spirits of carnality
loving red & black candles

autrostraddle queer horoscope correctly predicting I "may be going on or off hormones" this month, love the queer horoscope

re: pombagiras appreciation thread, one more ponto for Mulambo 

youtu.be/hW-ab7Ev--Y

> Maria Mulambo was crying
> —wasn't out of regret / for killing her own boss
> What a beautiful loud laugh
> today's the Good Friday

R: that's it that's the whole ponto
R: there's some absolute gems of pontos that I don't find in written research, only come up unexpectedly in playlists 😌

Show thread

people: ok this is a difficult thing and you should discuss it with your therapist

my therapist: ok this is a difficult thing and you should discuss it with Carmen

R: my gender is kiki and E is a bouba
E: what about C.?
C: I'm a cellar door obvs

(not listed) Biggest NB celebrity crush 

E: all of them

R: Eliott Page
R: Dorian Electra

E: Miley Cyrus

R: Tunde Olaniran
R: Noelle Stevenson

E: Liniker

R: I hope we're not fetishising this :x

E: dunno sis it's just very hard not to crush on nb people

Show thread

15: Biggest male celebrity crush? 

C: now let's see you be honest with yourselves ✨
E: the one 'male' celeb crush I had turned out to be a woman >.>
R: classic
E: aaah Klemens! from Hatari!
C: too easy
R: I mean who *wouldn't* 😌🖤
C: pick another
R: Oscar Wil—
C: no a manly masc one
C: that you'd make out with

(thinking hard)

:thaenkin:

(forever later)

E: I really don't think there's any, really really
E: I'm sorry, I just don't—
E: 😳
E: 🙈🙈🙈
C: admit it
E: but it's not even queer or anything it's so basic I'll lose cred
C: you would totally sit on his lap and you know it
C: admit ittt

E: (bashfully) jasonmomoa

Show thread

14: Biggest female celebrity crush? 

E: Ooh hard one
E: We don't _do_ celebrity crushes, do we
E: We crush easily but tend to be more...
E: palpable 😌
E: about it

C: Lynn da Quebrada
E: ooh totally
R: Kyōko from Inugami Circus-dan
E: nice
R: pick one E
E: Singer from Asexual Burnout Sisters :blush:

Show thread

R: otoh we just tried recording a story for a friend and voice dyspho still hits hard :/ will we need to get into voice magick next…

C: I mean,,

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Plural Café

Plural Café is a community for plural systems and plural-friendly singlets alike, that hopes to foster a safe place for finding and interacting with other systems in the Mastodon fediverse.