it’s weird that we developed a new system member after a while of not having a new one and she just. Took it well, aside from freaking out a little bit over her media we were listening to but it was. Weird. “It’s home,” she says. yeah she’s lonely but this “feels right” and it’s weird but she fits in (it’s lup from taz and it’s... bizarre for her bc she just showed up In a bout of dissociation while we were relistening to the stolen century arc. she’s doin ok but also... just feeling weird)
- relationships, mh
sooooo my gf got more gfs which is fine but this is another like. bad thought i keep having to push away from me bc im not the Only Person Here that she cares about. theres so much and its all stupid and its all my "possessive" brain being like "but I was here first" bc i for some reason have to feel more important than the others. gross. ihate this. i dont like feeling this way w/o being able to talk about it bc its dumb and if i talk to her about it i feel like shes gonna go "oh no its not like that at all" and i dont want her to feel bad abt me feeling bad and its just :/ how to not be jealous in a polyam relationship challenge.
i get that being in a polyam relationship can be frustrating and people can be/can get jealous, but it has consistently felt like saff has just taken over our girlfriend, collectively. it doesn't seem fair to me that she gets reign over things in a mundane server we kind of made just to keep someone out of our readings and shit. and the only person above her is dhu, who knows how we feel about being "infantalized" or given less necessity than we're worth. its a part of our trauma, which is stupid, but that's how our brain functions.
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