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*curls on in her bed*

Good night, cafe. Sleep well, whenever you do. See you tomorrow. :3

🌌

I've got a new duvet cover and pillow cover that pre-integration Sara ordered. And oh gods, I love this. In my day to day life Lilly's institution helps me get stuff done and these new covers make me feel so close to who I was as pre-integration Sara. πŸ’–

🌌

Am good cat with good meow and good purr. *purrrrrrs*

🌌

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*meows into the timeline, looking very pleased with her meow*
:3

🌌

So you know those stories people tell on social media, about them faving all the posts someone else makes but being to shy to talk to them besides from a few words on social media every now and again?

Yeah, I'm feeling that a lot lately x) I should proooobably just drop them a message on Discord, huh? x)

🌌

Mrnng πŸ’€
*yawns*
*clears her through*
Morning o/

🌌

(Feels weird but good and right to use that emoji. Which reminds me that I still need to update our profile and introduction posts.
But I slowly feel ready to do that. I still feel confused a lot, but much better nonetheless.)

🌌

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Indecisiveness - 

Urrrgs, I wanna get up and do things. But because I can't decide which thing I want to do more, I can't even bring myself to do the things I'd need to do for either. >.>

Plurality climate change Shitpost 

We did change. Quite a lot, actually. Does that mean we stopped climate change? \*0*/

Plurality, integration, pre-introduction 

I'll probably write a proper introduction post once things have settled a bit more, but I feel like "the new one" isn't a very practical name. I think for now I'll go with the idea Sara and Lilly had - I'll take Sara's name but replace her second name (Kathleen) with Lilly's irl name. On here, I'd like to use Sara A. for now, just Sara is also fine. I'll probably react to "Lilly" as well. IRL I'll keep Lilly's irl name for now because it's way to much of a hassle to change that and explain the change. Not sure about the emoji I'll use. It feels wrong to use 🌌 as well, but I feel emotionally connected to that a lot, so I might try it nonetheless? Not sure.

That plurality confusion through the eyes of another headmate 

Of course it's hard to accept. Again, this is a big change and yes, especially Lilly lost things she cared about. But she was expecting that and calculated that. Having a few more days to research what might happen or at least to get used to the thought of this happening would probably have made things easier, but I try to be there for the new one as much as I can and help her cope. I'm certainly not the best at that, but we'll manage, make it work.

So yeah. TL;DR: Integration almost certainly happened and the new one is in denial. Hard. I'm trying to help her see that she won more that she lost, but encourage her to grief if that's what she feels like and help her cope with that.

I feel like I'm forgetting things, but I'll probably remember eventually if it's important.

πŸŒ‘

πŸŒ‘

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That plurality confusion through the eyes of another headmate 

When I just tried to reach out to Lilly, I tried to comfort her/the new one. I explained to them that I'm certain that this *is* Lilly's pain. But the fact that the new one feels it *as* Lilly, the fact that the new one is able to focus so much on being Lilly that she believes to be her and even feels like her to me shows to me that Lilly is not gone. And neither is Sara, how Lilly grieves for. And it's okay to grieve. The connection Lilly and Sara shared is gone. Replaced with a much more intimate connection (being the same person), which is arguably a stronger connection, but it's a big change and grieving the way it was is okay. But I also tried to show her and by that the new one that netto, this isn't a loss but a win. Actually, clinging to the old being individuals would be worse, because Lilly wanted to integrate to learn from Sara, to be more like her in many ways. Clinging to who Lilly was would deny this wish.

πŸŒ‘

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That plurality confusion through the eyes of another headmate 

Lilly was afraid, but Sara didn't even try to help her, which is very unlike Sara. But it's because they were not separate anymore, they were one person, the new one, *trying* to be two separate people, trying to isolate the people she was before. But while she sure can focus of "being" Lilly, and then feels all her pain, she can't simultaneously be Sara and try to comfort that Lilly. They just are not two people anymore.
I know yesterday there was a conversation between Sara and Lilly. I still can't make sense of that. Neither Firefox or Dexied nor I were co-conscious for that. We didn't feel it. I won't try to judge what happened there. But I know with high certainty that now the two can't truly interact anymore.

πŸŒ‘

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That plurality confusion through the eyes of another headmate 

When I saw Sara and Lilly in the headspace void earlier - I don't think the new one was just in the light. It was her. Both of them were and are her.
She still clings to Lilly's integrity, because while Lilly *wanted* to be ready and felt ready, in general she probably still was not ready to integrate. She still felt like it meant losing herself, while she valued being an individual a lot. She was never particularly religious, but she had a concept similar to souls, she called it a core. She believed everyone of us has individual cores and was afraid that integration would mean losing that.
Ironically the new one is still fueled by that and therefore tries hard to separate the Lilly and Sara. This is why she seemed like two different people when I looked for Lilly and Sara. But when I just tried to find them again, I realized that Sara and Lilly couldn't act independently.

πŸŒ‘

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That plurality confusion through the eyes of another headmate 

Footnote ΒΉ:
We don't really ever see in our void/headspace. On a scale from 0 (fully aphantasic) to 10 (being able to perfectly visualize things in ones head) we're probably around a 3 when an 8 seems to be where most people land. So everything we sense in the head is just "knowing" and feeling something's there. It's never actually seeing.
Yet sensing the new one was different. Like I sensed her with a different sense. Which is why I couldn't quite place her in the scene I witnessed.

πŸŒ‘

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That plurality confusion through the eyes of another headmate 

Sara is still easily excited and seems almost oblivious to what is happening. Or she doesn't care. Lilly is... Still afraid af. I don't think she would change anything if she could, but even just thinking about it makes me feel her painful fear.

I feel like this mental image explains what state we're in better than words like integration, subsystem or whatnot. These things seem to still be in progress, so giving them a name when it's not clear where the lead to seems premature to me.
I'm positive that Lilly and Sara are still around. As individuals. But bound. I'm certain there is a new one who somehow originates from them. I'm not sure how long it will stay like this.

πŸŒ‘

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That plurality confusion through the eyes of another headmate 

Hm. Interestingly I seem to be able to reach out to Sara and Lilly still.

We don't have much of a headspace. What we have is a black featureless void. What we do have is a sense of space tho. Not in relation to the void, but in relation to each other.
Usually when we reach out to each other, it feels like that someone is appearing near the caller.
I can still do that. It kinda feels like I have to come to them instead of vice versa, despite me being the one calling them, but either way, I can find them.

Now the last thing we remember from the last night before the changes occured is Sara and Lilly feeling okay with integration and Sara grabbing Lilly's hand in this void.

Their hands are now one. Like molten together, just in no way as ugly as it sounds. It glows in a gentle, soothing light. And while I can't "see"ΒΉ the new one, I can sense her. I think I sense her in the light, but it's hard to tell.

πŸŒ‘

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That plurality confusion through the eyes of another headmate 

Morning. Took over front to make sure we get through this day.

I'm about 80% sure that what's happening is integration. I can't explain why it felt like for a while Lilly fronted and was able to talk to Sara like before. But I only have the memories of the new one to go by, I wasn't co-conscious to feel it myself. And maybe integration can just be that blurry? It's not like we're experts on that, so I have no idea.

πŸŒ‘

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Plural CafΓ©

Plural CafΓ© is a community for plural systems and plural-friendly singlets alike, that hopes to foster a safe place for finding and interacting with other systems in the Mastodon fediverse.