Neptune 🌌​ @neptune@plural.cafe

Hi friends~

We're migrating over to our own instance!

You can find us at:
@erin
@autumn

-Erin
❤️​😃​😊​🐇​🌮​🔥​

You know, I wish more folks would CW their creepy images. It's not that hard of a thing to do. :(

Basically, if your avatar is animated and contains a non-illustrated face of some kind (especially if it's creepy), we will need to mute you.

Hi friends~

We're migrating over to our own instance!

You can find us at:
@erin
@autumn

-Erin
❤️​😃​😊​🐇​🌮​🔥​

we really aren't doing very well
everything hurts too much
we are trying not to hurt ourself but it would be so much easier if we no longer existed

I don't really know how to talk about this because I usually don't. I've only gone into any sort of detail about this with my psychiatrist when she screened me for it. My therapist knows the basics. I only told my wife about it after I got the diagnosis.

Yeah, I had an episode yesterday afternoon. I guess I just wish there was a more effective way to make the recovery period easier to cope with.

System is offline for the rest of the day~

i hate this it's been over a half hour

Untangling necklaces is the most frustrating activity in this universe

Sorry, my toots have been incredibly sad today. Please don't hate me. :( Here's one more.

I want so badly to feel like I'm welcome somewhere, where I can feel like I can belong. Every time I think I've found it, something eventually goes wrong. It tears me up every time. It's like I am destined to be lonely and friendless.

That feeling when you see a toot that someone posted that has you go down an internet rabbit hole that ends with something written by one of your ex-girlfriends, which further leads you to one of your ex-best friends, which leaves you thinking about what happened.

I didn't want to dig all of this up because it hurts
-a

It just really sucks that we know nothing about our biological father. We don't know if he's a good person. We don't know anything about our ancestry and our stepdad's name is on our birth certificate. We were always the subject of stepdad's resentment. Our older half-brother and half-sister didn't have to go through any of this.

So never mind the fact that they won't respect our legal name and gender. Never mind the bullshit they put us through. In their world, I'm the one that messed up by being born. I'm the mistake.

So, yeah, I'll drive up to Ohio and get my stuff once I'm personally able to blast off to the stars in my own spacecraft.

I've been no-contact with my mom and stepdad for nearly five years now. (Long story short: they're the source for most of my trauma) She's been stalking me nonstop ever since I went non-contact, going so far as to being in my city when I moved here last year (there's no way she could have known I was here).

I guess she sent my mother-in-law a message on Fb in June (MIL has her blocked so she didn't see it for a while) claiming that she was dying and that they wanted me to drive up to Ohio to get the stuff that was left behind when I got away back in 2007.

Here's the thing: I wrote my stuff off as a loss already. I never intend on getting any of it back. I feel like she wants me to go up there so her husband can kill me. I know he has the means to do so.

And, to be honest, I emotionally disconnected from my mom five years ago. I can honestly say that I don't care if she's dying. If that makes me a bad person, keep in mind that she and my stepdad are my abusers.

I try my best to manage my mental illnesses. I think I'm good at keeping myself in check. But one slip up, and they're done. There's no understanding, even if I've already talked about it with them. Do I have to learn to be perfect or something?

I'm wondering how many tries it will take to find friends that can put up with me. I've been hurt so many times by people who claim that they love me and that I can trust them, only to prove otherwise. Because I'm too much.

My ability to trust has been significantly diminished over these past few years. I keep rebuilding, only to be knocked down again and again. How much is too much?