okay definitely more then just "pretty alright" at this point
(we still have a habit of downplaying positive trends to avoid getting our hopes up or getting comfortable for when things get bad again)

but yeah wow
there might uh... i want to say "there might be some gradual work/change ahead" and while that's probably true it's not really the right words for what i'm feeling

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for context "plural poking" is what we call it when we're trying to figure out what the heck is going on in here :>

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plural poking is going pretty alright lately

blurry identity talk 

hmmmm we might have a lead on this, or at least a new angle elsewhere, re: stubborn unwelcome body image

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blurry identity talk 

*because of all the identity blur, it's hard to tell what is gender dysphoria and what is something else. we're not super clear on the terminology either

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blurry identity talk 

we've realized that our brain obscures our identity when we're in front-blend, possibly in several ways

a big part of this is that it will aggressively force the body's, uh, body image on us, instead of letting us feel or explore or assert or recognize or settle into our own body images

(whatever they might actually be <_<)

the face is a noticeable one, i guess because it's particularly dysmorphic(?*) for some of us

though it happens with the body's overall shape too

"being an individual by just plain existing" is something our abusive parents prevented us from learning, soooo it makes sense that we wouldn't have previously developed the words or internal awareness for that. (as opposed to "individuality" as a list of traits and achievements i guess. i have no idea how much sense this makes to anyone outside our head.)

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i wonder if it helps that we've been muttering our loud to ourselves a lot more often lately.

dunno, there's lots of potential factors/connections and i've finally started learning that i really shouldn't try to make sense of them all >>;

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yay for starting to be able to actually kinda see/interact with each other as distinct individuals? or it feels like something that could be described like that might be happening. even though we still couldn't much say what makes up each of our individualities. it's good though

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the vagueplural stuff is slowly settling in, in its own still-vague way, but it's good. a little more awareness of the space where we aren't, a little more appreciating the spaces where we are. or something vaguely like that :P i'm tired and it's all still pretty vague

accepting polymorph-stuff as a valid factor seems like it would make things more complicated (though things are already incredibly obscure so there's not a difference anyway), but so far this acceptance has mostly taken pressure off of some identity/analytical/self-critcal parts of our brain, which is good

we are, at least, recently getting better at accepting where we are. accepting this vagueness of identities, at least for the moment. overall less concerned with "should"s when it comes to engaging with identity-related things.

it takes time to see and believe all the little ways that we don't have to meet social/emotional "standards..."

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how much of a cognitive divide is there between us? are there subsystems? are we fragmented or just blurry? how does being a polymorph (or polymorphs???) factor into things? how many of us are here, even a rough estimate? what do we do with the obvious (yet also vague) patterns in personality and perspective? all these questions and more... will not be answered. :|

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it was a joke at first but we're taking it seriously now, because it's a way we can try to feel more valid/complete with our current experiences.
(instead of feeling like we're missing something, and feeling frustrated and inadequate for being unable to see or express... idk, specific relevant things.)

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we'd had a tired idea bouncing around our head to call our plurality type "vagueplural," because it's definitely plural, but it exists only on vague terms.
(at least so far, which is five straight years.)

being a system is so freeing.

when we pretended to be a singlet, we stressed out about being consistent. we felt like we needed to maintain a list of things we say and do and like and stuff. we had to be one person convincingly.

and now we know that n is mad about deadpool and alex probably likes trashbags like tony stark. wolfgang likes clint barton for the disability rep and both he and beau like steve rogers, but two different kinda "likes" - beau would like to be him and wolfgang would like to date him. tink likes folks like wonder woman and gwenpool and squirrel girl - action ladies. i find myself to be into guardians of the galaxy. and we all awwwed reading good did fics about bruce banner and hulk.

when you are a system, you don't need to watch yourself. you don't need to stress out and plan everything. you don't need to be consistent.

you can just chill and be yourselves. and enjoy geeky shit.


it's difficult to tell the difference between 'are we polyfragmented' and 'are we significantly dissociated from personhood and identity and continuity and self-recognition and self-trust,' especially while under a higher-end amount of background stress

e.g. "we only want to be able to engage/immerse more fully in fantasies because we want escapism from stress. escapism is not an ideal response for dealing with stress. therefore there should be no reason for us to want to engage/immerse in fantasies."
like, on the surface that sounded sensible.
but i just noticed that it's actually a really judgemental, arrogant, and dismissive line of reasoning.

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feels like a lot of our "protective" gatekeepers/blockages rely on circular logic to make the imposed limitations seem "reasonable."

we've had enough of being repressively told to be "reasonable" by all of our abusive parents, thank you very little.

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hmmh, seems like we've got some kind of blockage that prevents us from talking about or expressing our individual identities, in some sense

i mean we're probably inexperienced with expressing ourselves, since that's where a lot of our trauma is, but we're only gonna get experience if we're allowed/able to do so :\

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Plural Café

Plural Café is a community for plural systems and plural-friendly singlets alike, that hopes to foster a safe place for finding and interacting with other systems in the Mastodon fediverse.