e⁻ system @e_azrael@plural.cafe

Hi all ! I've plunged into a personnal project of mine, forgot to get out, but doing things and seeing personnal projects going forward feels great.
– Doc

But at least that's challenging, and to see something you created being progressively built and that you can do it… It's really nice.

– Doc

Having ideas an diving in a personnal project really is something.

I've spent last two days coding and tracking bugs and catching with RSS feeds and Mastodon. 😂

–Doc

We have been maintaining a system map / historic tree since a few years. Just stumbled upon it when I was randomly looking into old projects folders in the computer.
It's like a wall for everyone that came, those who left, the goods, the bads. It's us. (some of the names were censored, sorry)

– Doc

I hope I didn't offend or hurt anyone here, I don't even know what I expect from anything…

– Lukas

Just that I personnally always fear people's reactions when I say or do anything and I feel like a burden to the others that have to manage me to just let us live a "normal" life…

I don't talk often here (nor the others from what I know) and it's not that we don't feel nice here.
[…]

Ah, and we're in france, so I think I can forget about a openend person that just not infantilize us.
[…]

Worst of all, we didn't find a therapist yet that is actually trying to do his job instead of just letting me sinking in a crisis or feeding us with meds without even lending an ear.
[…]

Now when some of us become close to someone I have a hard time repressing all that and the anxieties that is triggers (being abandonned, not being a nice person and make someone else feeling bad, a nice bunch of things).[…]

Shit about men, and our father being a dick to her. Like it's our falt to exist. (she really said this out loud, and for nearly twenty years).
[…]

And by judging how she treated us before even without knowing that, I doubt we'll someday be able to have a constructive talk or even her not just being mean and dismissive about us. Like we're not even a human being to her eyes.
[…]

Well from and external viewpoint one could say that there has been worse treatments from one's parents and relatives, but the fact is that I still have nightmares and I can't even talk to our brothers because we need to stay afar from our mother – and none of them know about us.
[…]

The others do not, at least I'm the only one to experience all that because I'm supposed to keep everything tidy and it's kind of my job to not let everyone fall apart from some stuff that we lived.
[…]

Hi folks… Hope everything is going well. I'm not… But that's kind of usual for me. Being too sensitive and holding stuff and having to deal with memories, I guess.

I woke up in the middle of the night, crying, because I have nightmares sometimes…
[…] (Lukas)

Yesterday, we got out with friends (while the majority of them don't really know about us, except for one), and on the beginning it was okay, but boy at the end it was fun. I was out for most of the evening and I really enjoyed it.
Not having to pretend being a calm and nice and shy person was relaxing.

–Azrael

I need another tea. 🍵

Who likes tea over here ?

– Sam

Every time someone becomes quite close to us, there's anxiety, fears and sadness lurking around ; and a general sense of discomfort.

This is tiring. It makes too much work for me.

– Sam

I'll thank again @KT here because know I know that keeping a Mastodon instance (and especially a modified one) takes some continuous work and a good machine. xD

– Doc

Installed my own Mastodon instance to test things, and also to allow us not to depend of an admin for our main "public" account (not this one). I'm kind of proud, it took a full day to compile and install everything on the machine. But it works smoothly (but slowly somewhat ^^) so I'm happy with the result.

– Doc