Cassia @cassiabell@plural.cafe

... so Colette is a top and if there was no other evidence that I was plural that’d be all I need to know for sure 😹

@cassiabell ☔️ :rimshot: now _thats_ what I call traumagenic plurality~~~~

New find for the journal: ♟breaks down if there is even the slightest hint that he messed up or broke something. Not just “oh, I’m in trouble” but full-on meltdowns.

I still can’t remember why that could be. I’m terrified that one day I will rediscover it.

Today I learned to respect my headmates interests and stop wondering if personality changes are just placebo. Colette is much happier for this revelation.

☔️Trouble dealing with large groups of people talking on a video call today.

...so that’s new and definitely not annoying.

#multitober

Pronouns: We use she and they. While we do have male headmates here we respect Cassia's transition enough to not chance folks getting misgendered to make a few of us happy.

@cassiabell ✨...and now we have a “here’s what you missed while you were away” journal entry for newbies to read <3

Aww, just had my first “new male alter switches in and has a little freak out” moment. To quote him: “...we actually fucking did it? We are a girl now?”

Anyway, Parker has some serious catching up to do!

@cassiabell also fun: the delicate dance of “please don’t expose your kids to those nightmare people” without seeming too alarmist ✨✨

Talked to my sister about the abuse we went through as kids. Reminded that a) no wonder I’m split and b) I still don’t remember even a smidgen of it.

#multitober #multitober2020

Switching: We can (sometimes) switch at will, but it's not a guaranteed thing. Switches come with dizziness and the feeling of sliding under the water. Then, when the other headmate gets situated, it feels like the whole world does a loop-the-loop and we're good to go.

We are a traumagenic system that is learning to work together, so sometimes we get caught mid-switch and have trouble getting out. If you see this happen, we appreciate if you ask to speak to someone!

#multitober #multitober2020

Coming Out: Extremely limited scope, though considering my predilection for compulsive, radical honesty I expect it'll slip out on main sometime. :D For now I'm mostly presenting as a singlet to anyone who isn't part of my chosen family. I am getting better about letting some of our more, uh, "junior" members out to play with friends, provided they co-con with a headmate better versed in the outside world.

Sexuality: We're very sapphic and very, very theysexual. :D

Gender Identity: We have been trans for the past 12+ years and are just now exploring genderqueer looks. ✨ is very chapstick femme, ☔ has Big They Energy, and ♟ doesn't have much of an identity yet. We have at least one guy in our system who DEFINITELY does the transmasc "baggy shirt and shrug to hide the boobs" thing and it's ADORABLE.

Oh gosh, so many of these to catch up on!

Splitting: still working through this but I think I met a lot of really nice people as a child who engaged me without judgment who then promptly died. That, and there was a lot of emotional abuse. Transition was also traumatic enough to bring out a new spiritual headmate

Religion: Was an atheist in school (in a heavily religious, Klan-controleld town), but the split mentioned above taught us spirituality. We're pagan now, just like our wife.

@cassiabell also, a lot of people I looked up to as a kid died within a year or two of me meeting them. Like, every nice person ♟introduces me to starts with “they saw me” and ends with “...and then they died.”

☔️so it turns out that Potts is aces. Had another meltdown yesterday. He kicked us all out, cuddled a stuffie, colored, and shared a wonderful memory I had long since forgotten.

...gosh, I was so wrong about him!

so I have to get 5 people, all with their own hopes and dreams and varying degrees of skill being co-con, to work together and share a body. Lucky for me, I’m a scrummaster.

...anyway I’m a huge dork and now do daily stand ups with my head mates nothing to see here

https://www.mountaingoatsoftware.com/agile/scrum/meetings/daily-scrum

Hard day yesterday. Realized we don’t have as much control of my switches as we thought. ☔️ended up slipping in midway through a night with friends and ended up very confused. (🚿isn’t quite used to sharing memories as the rest of us.)

But we talked about it, and we are learning. I can do this.

We can do this.

Lots of ups and downs this week. ☔️ had a breakdown about learning to deal with our plurality. A few head mates took control and showed us skills we didn’t know we had. Two therapy sessions - one emergency, one not - and a partridge in a pear tree, at this fucking point.

But we are learning. We drew up rules we all agreed on - ironically, this is also part of my professional career! - and we are working on adhering to them. Not perfect, but better.

Thanks y’all for listening 🌈😻

☔️Okay, progress. The right playlist can stabilize us and get the right person out front on a pretty reliable basis. So that’s something, at least, and it means I’ll stay up front through work!