I made a meme~ 💙 

@ThePrimulaSystem This is how my anxiety works. ~My life is suffering~

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Huge TW for SH/suic, Pt. 5 

@ThePrimulaSystem Yesterday I decided to change my sleep schedule from a normal one to nocturnal, so I can avoid interaction with my dad. Use my bathroom fan & wear headphones to drown out upsetting sounds. Pretend to be asleep during the night when there's a knock at the door. Stop using my laptop to avoid the interaction of him asking to borrow it. I know it will worry my mom but I don't know what else to do. I did a trial run today & it took some weight off of me 💙

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Huge TW for SH/suic, Pt. 4 

@ThePrimulaSystem I have years of trauma & pain built up, I just need to fucking scream but I CANT. Some days it's all I can do to not punch every wall of my room, break my possessions. I NEED to escape but I can't drive & don't have a car, my partner lives with his parents so I can't move in with him. Yesterday I was considering making a faux suicide attempt to escape to a psych ward for a week or two, I know from experience that it's more peaceful than home 💙

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Huge TW for SH/suic, Pt. 3 

@ThePrimulaSystem I am unable to leave the house almost ever - my dad is preventing me from seeing my partner due to his covid anxiety & my heat intolerance makes outdoor time unbearable. I feel like I'm slowly suffocating & going insane. I'm so trapped, I have nowhere else to go & can't even vent to my mom (my closest ally) for fear of hurting her more. I already felt suffocation before this due to masking my trauma feelings, & now this makes it 1000x times worse 💙

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Huge TW for SH/suic, Pt. 2 

@ThePrimulaSystem Our life is littered with anxiety attacks caused by his behavior, our littles have depressive episodes & sometimes his self harm/breakdowns are loud enough to wake us up at night. I try really hard to help & accommodate him but it's wearing me thin. I feel extreme empathy but also struggle to express empathy, which both make this unbearably painful & stressful. I feel inadequate & like I'm not doing enough. I also hate to see my mom suffer like this 💙

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Huge TW for SH/suic, Pt. 1 

We're living at home with my parents, & my dad is in the middle of an emotional breakdown that has lasted multiple months. He self harms (hits himself) audibly & in full view, makes jokes about me finding him hanging from the ceiling, every convo I have with him turns into him talking about being upset & suicidal. My mom is struggling to keep her job under the weight of his emotional needs & our entire system (including littles!) is constantly exposed to his SH - 💙Blue

c'virus reference, funny - 💙Blue 

My rational thoughts: It's reasonable that packages are taking longer to arrive right now. The coronavirus situation is serious, and I need to be considerate of the people working to ship my package in these conditions. There's no need to be impatient.

My emotions: GIB!! ME! Packaaaage!!! wheres my packigee??? i need it pleassss :( :( :(

Is This A Kintype Or A Systemmate I Didn't Know About?: A 10 Part Saga

The idea of wanting to do something --> doing it, 1 to 1 correlation between wanting to and doing feels so foreign to me. Like what do you mean most people don't have mental illness & emotional barriers holding them back?
- Prime

Otherkin, labels 

As a nonhuman who experiences shifts, I feel like I have most everything in common with otherkin. But I worry otherkin is a *singlet thing* and being plural means our labels HAVE to be plural-specific. Blue ID's as a therian but they're the host/main person so their place in the community seems a bit more 'natural'. I guess I'm not sure whether I can or should take on that label because as a systemmate it's like I'm seen as (or HAVE to be) different from singlet nonhumans - Prime

mention of c*vid, funny 💙 

For several weeks at the very beginning of the COVID-19 crisis I saw the term written but never heard anyone say it. And I swear. I read that like a hundred times and read it as CORVID every single time. Took me far too long to realize after wondering what crows have to do with this. I am without a doubt THE dumbest smart person -💙Blue

Random feelings rant idk 💙 

Sometimes when I see healthy & functional, non-LGBTQ ""basic"" people that are around my age, I feel like a literal alien. Like I'm a completely different species from them. And that's not me being pretentious and "I'm cooler than them" or whatever, it just makes me deeply feel how different I am. Usually I'm proud of being "weird", but that feeling of alienation and wrongness doesn't feel good... -💙Blue

transphobia tw, kinda? 

I uh, wrote a poem. Maybe it's not very relatable since it's so personal, but I want to share it anyway -💙Blue

Just so everyone who interacts with me knows, if I ever go a few days without responding to a nice reply you sent it's not because I don't care, it's just me having very few spoons for social stuff & possibly also feeling anxious. I do appreciate all the replies I get 🙂 -💙Blue

Most of us are Gay, & I think that's very cash money of us -💙

TW: general trauma feelings 💙 

I think before I can feel like a Survivor - if I ever will - I'll need to first accept that I'm a Victim. I feel so much guilt & self hate, like I caused & deserved it, that it wasn't that bad so I don't deserve to grieve, that he didn't mean to so I should forgive & forget. I often feel like I can't *really* be a victim bc it's "my fault", & I think until I can truly feel I was victimized to start with, I can't feel like I've really survived something -💙Blue

Plural host struggles💙 3 

@ThePrimulaSystem I'm the main fronter, system schedule organizer, littles' guardian, family relations person, Christmas organizer, main Discord admin, systemmate who deals with the most outer life responsibilites, etc. And we have half a dozen mental illnesses that leave me functionally disabled. It feels like so much responsibility, & immensely overwhelming. But most of my systemmates have fewer life skills than me so it's hard to hand over that stuff to others -💙Blue

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Plural host struggles💙 2 

@ThePrimulaSystem I've started to become less popular with my systemmates, and that really hurts & scares me. I care about them *so much* - love them, really. 95% of the time I'm a decent non-selfish person & I try so hard, so it feels awful to be basically "the as*h*le" of the system. I discovered I was plural 2 years ago & this problem has been around from day 1 💙

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Plural host struggles💙 

I have this huge problem with not letting other people front (most of our switches are voluntary & orchestrated by me). I'm so frustrated because I WANT to be a good host & I feel so guilty for being selfish with our time. But it's like no matter how much I *want* to be better & let people out, it just,, doesn't happen??? I'm not sure if it's anxious avoidance, an executive function/depression thing, etc & the fact that I don't know WHY means I can't seem to fix it -💙Blue

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Plural Café

Plural Café is a community for plural systems and plural-friendly singlets alike, that hopes to foster a safe place for finding and interacting with other systems in the Mastodon fediverse.