I’ve got my regular therapist appointment in a couple of hours. I ended the last one by bringing up plurality and my lack of any strong sense of self. What do I actually say this time? What do I actually want to get out of therapy on this topic?

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We mostly chatted about sense of self stuff. I do think a lot of my problem there has been social isolation (due to pandemic + demands of raising young kids), since my therapist pointed out that a lot of sense of self comes from others telling us how they see us, and I simply haven’t had that since even before transition. Transition plus realizing I’m autistic and working to dismantle my mask have combined into a pretty major shakeup of my identity, and I haven’t had the tools I need to figure out who I am at this point. That plus my really bad memory issues means it’s hard for me to even think of stuff I like (!) without prompting.

We didn’t even get a chance to dig into plurality, though when asked she did say she thinks plurality is real. I hope we can work on that next session. I really need to be able to talk about this with someone face-to-face. I’ve been too afraid to bring it up with my wife, though I really need to do that at some point.

@EsperLily Ohh I'm so glad for you, that she thinks plurality is real! It's hard to find that, it seems....

@yuumurakirika She said she hasn’t really done much reading about it, but believing in it is the first step. I suppose this means she won’t be able to provide much direction or structure for exploring this, but even just being able to talk about it will be good.

@EsperLily Mm... it's difficult, to be the one who teaches another, when the other is the one helping you... but, talking about it is good.

This site is very useful for me lately: kinhost.org/Main/HomePage Maybe, it doesn't describe your system, but, if it does, it will be very helpful, I think.

@yuumurakirika Thanks! I’ll have to look through that.

And yeah, I hope she has resources to learn more about this on her end so I don’t have to do all the teaching, especially since I still know very little.

@EsperLily Honestly I don't agree with her take that our sense of self is based on how others see us, considering I grew up in Utah as a trans homo 😅 I think a lot of people maybe change themselves to be more like they're seen, I like to change how I'm seen to be a lot more like myself

@inked It’s complicated. There are aspects to identity that are entirely internal. And there are aspects to identity that are social, like being kind, or a really good listener, or funny.

The internal parts of identity aren’t enough for me. I feel like I’m constantly trying to copy parts of other people because I don’t know who I am and so I don’t know how to be myself.

@EsperLily I don't think I am funny because people see me as funny, though. I'm kind because my empathy makes me care how I affect others, but that's still a personal internal trait, if that makes sense. That was all I was saying, that it's not so much external / from other people, but rather how you react to others. That's just my opinion though c:

To an extent I guess I "found" myself by perceiving others who expressed themselves in ways that made me feel like I wanted to be them. Bc we can be who we want to be c:

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