it's a rough one today folx
we're afraid, struggling with shame, feeling guilty for the pain we've caused people we love
this fucking sucks!

re: relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

We thought we would talk about it here as this place has been a safe place. If any of you have any good ideas, we'd be happy for the support.

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re: relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

But I do count her as my longest, dearest friend. We have lived through so much together. I don't regret our partnership, the children we brought into the world. I still want to be her biggest supporter and fan. I want the best for her. And I love our children, even though it is intensely difficult many times with the insiders and other wacky stuff my mind(s) do(es). I love them and I am determined to parent them as best I can.
So there it is. I am/we are (it's hard to decide which pronoun to use) in the hardest moment of our lives to now.
A useless exercise, but were it possible to go back 20 years knowing who we are like we do today, we hope we would decide to be who we are and not marry this poor girl. That thought experiment is neither here nor there as it is not possible to undo the past.
We have to decide what we want to do now. We have to decide how we want to move forward.

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re: relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

our marriage to a third party without her knowledge or consent. It had been barely two weeks at that point with this guy and we had done nothing more than talking truthfully about our emotions and desires.
Now my wife has put my fidelity over the whole marriage under suspicion. She has told me to leave her and our children if I want a different life. She is hurt, angry, afraid and lashing out. I have apologized for acting in a way that hurt her, that she felt was dishonest.
But now I am faced with a choice. For the first time in my life, I have the choice to be who I am without guilt or shame. But I am afraid. I don't want to lose this person. I want to parent my children together with her.
I am asking myself if this is the end of my marriage, and if that is such a bad thing, if it might not be a good thing. We both got a shit deal in this marriage. It's not her fault or mine.

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re: relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

We began to text and call each other more. We talked about our romantic and sexual desire for each other. We sent each other pics, nothing scandalous - no dick pics, just selfies. The most risque photo was me shirtless in the bed with the covers pulled up to my shoulders and my puppy sleeping on my shoulder.
There was an amazing NRE for both of us. I felt happy. I told him about my insiders and he wanted to get to know them. It felt so affirming, so validating, so good.
Then my wife found out. We had been discussing off and on over the last maybe six months my desire to open our relationship, explore some kind of polyamory or "ethical, consensual" non-monogamy. She confronted me saying that I had lied to her about this guy, that I was cheating, having an "emotional affair" with him. She blamed me for not being open, not giving her a chance, unilaterally making the decision to open

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re: relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

Our wife has a very difficult time with the plural aspect. She tolerates the model to some extent as a framework for explaining some of my more bizarre behaviors. But she essentially still relates to me as she always has. Don't get me wrong. She has been supportive and tried her best to allow me time to deal with my stuff. But as for describing myself as having multiple genders & multiple sexual orientations, she doesn't buy it.
Nothing has brought that to the fore like the latest turn of events. A little over two weeks ago now, a guy friend I had met online in a support group for people like both of us who had left Christianity and has suffered from spiritual abuse/religious trauma, this guy friend of mine admitted to me, after many months of messaging online and talking on the phone, that he had feelings for me. And for the first time, I did not deny my own feelings for him.

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re: relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

been extremely difficult for our wife, who did fall in love with us and has known us for the past 20 years as a singlet man (one identity/personality in one male body). Any divergence from the "norm" she explained away. Still, over the years, the list of "baffling" things grew longer and longer still. Especially once our mental health deteriorated so desperately in 2015-2016, she became concerned and broke with the teaching of our churches in begging me to seek professional, secular mental health treatment.
So now, a year and a half after the DID diagnosis, we have come out - essentially to our wife and a very few select friends - as plural, with multiple genders, and multiple sexual orientations. The youngest insider we know is a little girl about 3 years old, so we hypothesize that our "original" makeup was transfeminine. But as it was so entirely unsafe, masculine insiders formed

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re: relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

We credit our children and our wife for finally waking us up to the abuse we were suffering in the cult group. We all left together in May 2017. Our mental health had been so compromised that we had been on disability and unemployment since October 2015. It wasn't until October 2017 that a new therapist finally gave a diagnosis that fit our life experience, DID.
Coming to accept our plurality, getting to know our insiders, moving internationally to be physically close to our wife's family for more support...there has been an immense about of change and transition in the recent past. Not the least of which is that for the first time, we have been able to articulate clearly that for us, marrying our wife was forced upon us. We did not give true consent. We were manipulated, coerced. We lived under brainwashing and mind control, and we had no real choice.
This has, understandably,

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re: relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

Our pastors put us through further reparative conversion programs, with daily confession, hours of prayer and Bible study, tearful repentance and self-abasement.
Eventually, we learned not to "confess". We just loathed ourselves more for our lack of love for our wife, for our lack of faithfulness to God, for our unwillingness to change, for the lie we were living pretending we were straight when secretly we were losing the battle against that sin.
Every day we drowned in guilt and shame and the fear of being found out and exposed as a liar, a fraud, an imposter. Every day we worked harder, harmed ourselves, punished ourselves to try to change. We lasted in that church from 1997 to 2017, 20 long years of hell, doing all in our power to kill the gay in us.
We had our first child with our wife in 2010, our second in 2012 and our third in 2014.

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re: relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

highly controlling, totalitarian cult group. And the abuse continued, albeit initially more covertly.
The first time we "confessed" our sexual sin, the pastor was so horrified he could barely look me in the face. The prescription: prayer and fasting, memorizing and claiming the truth of Scripture, more whole-hearted service to God and His Church. So that's what we did.
Then the pastors encouraged us to date a girl who they knew was in love with us. We dated. Then the pastors encouraged us to ask her to marry us. We asked and she said yes. Five months later we were married, and the day following our wedding, we panicked. What had we done?
She knew about our sexual past, but in later years we felt so guilty that on two different occasions, we "confessed" again to looking at and masturbating to gay porn. Both times our wife endured that as a betrayal of our wedding vows, cheating, hurt

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re: relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

"carnal" desires, to associate physical pain & aversion to those "disordered" sexual impulses.
We fell in love with boys (our body is AMAB) but also with girls. We "passed" as straight enough. We censored and policed ourselves, every gesture, every word, and intonation. We hated ourselves for every perceived infraction, every time our eyes strayed to a male form, every time our laugh sounded a bit too "feminine". Our father punished us for being too much of a "sissy", too much of a "faggot". We were repeatedly sexually abused.
Eventually, we found a Christian group on campus where the students really seemed to love each other in a "Christ-like" way, a far cry from the authoritarian, fundamentalist cults we had grown up in. What we didn't know then was that this group was "radicalizing" in a different way, in a manner more palatable to our generation. But it was still a high-demands,

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relationship trouble, cult abuse, conversion therapy, depression/suicide, self-harm, eating disorder 

So we have been with the same woman since April 2000, married since August 2002. We knew already back then that we "struggled with same-sex attraction" as the vernacular was in the cult group we belonged to. Growing up, we had already gone through "reparative conversion therapy" with a Christian counselor because of the major depression and suicidal ideation that we suffered. The unremitting depression was seen as a sinful melancholy, a willful rebellion against the "joy of the Lord". When we admitted to the Biblical counselor that we hated ourselves because we thought we were gay despite innumerable hours of tears and prayers begging God to change us, repenting for our sinful desires, only to be attracted again to people with our body's "same sex"...well, that's where the self-harm and eating disorders began. An effort to eliminate our disobedient "flesh", to punish ourselves for our

Any resources about a system member rapidly aging? Can't tell if it's the same alter or not and if it is, don't know what to do or if this is permanent...
Any of you have any experience with something like this?

Any resources about a system member rapidly aging? Can't tell if it's the same alter or not and if it is, don't know what to do or if this is permanent...
Any of you have any experience with something like this?

re: Deep dark depression 

his wife's trust. We don't want to betray our wife's trust either. The whole situation just sucks. We feel so sad, immobilized. The headspace is like torture. Just pain, suffering, loss, confusion, disappointment, sorrow. Just wanted to tell someone. We know we will survive. But we are feeling it bad today. Thanks for reading.

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Deep dark depression 

Hi there, we wanted to reach out for some support today. We like this boy. He seems wonderful. We met online. We have so much in common. So much. We just wanted to be friends, but somehow we fell in love with him. And he fell in love with us. For the first time in so many years, we have found someone who knows us, knows our insiders, and loves us for who we are. He's not phased by our queerness (works for him that we love cock!) or our transness or our plurality. He is so good, but he's married to his wife. Married her years decades ago when he was still in denial about being gay. He's out to her now, but their children don't know. And we are married to our wife also. She definitely knows all about us, everything about our many identities, many genders, many sexual orientations. So this man and I are stuck. We cannot practically go forward with what we feel for each other. And it hurts so much. We want him. We want his love. But we don't want him to compromise

I am delighted :very_big_smile:​ that my friend's trans girlfriend just reached out to me. It is thrilling to meet and establish relationships with people like me at last!

Hi everyone. We have just hit upon a name for our system. Not entirely settled on it forever and ever, but at least for the purposes of this instance, we like it. El Higueron, the giant banyan tree. We especially like the connection to the Tree of Life. Feels appropriate. We are glad to have found all you lovely plural people!

Plural Café

Plural Café is a community for plural systems and plural-friendly singlets alike, that hopes to foster a safe place for finding and interacting with other systems in the Mastodon fediverse.